Love is experienced in relationship. Without someone to love you, the feelings of love – the warmth in a mother’s heart, the gladness of friendship, the excitement of intimacy – have no stimulus. That is why the commonest image for being unloved is being alone.
When you are alone, there seems to be no relationship. People who find themselves alone rarely feel any incentive to explore love. They await contact with another person or run out to seek it. Thus we become dependent on other people to make us feel totally and permanently loved.
This expectation will, however, always be defeated, and although we blame those who failed to respond to us, who responded but then left, who stayed but then changed their minds, none of them is finally the cause of our problem. The cause is our inability to develop an unshakable relationship with ourselves. The Self is the source of love. People who live their own love stories have learned this lesson above all.
The absence of love is as devastating as its presence is beneficial. We will have to assume, unfortunately, that most people are not living a love story right now. Even those who say they are most deeply in love may be deluding themselves, at least in part.
Once it has grown to fullness, a love based on spirit has no fear of being wounded. Imperfect forms of love are much more vulnerable. Almost everyone has asked for love and received rejection instead. The effect of rejection, failure, humiliation, and other traumas is to numb one’s feelings.
Love requires sensitivity. It must have openness. Whatever has numbed you makes it much harder for you to feel love. Therefore people who are numb at the emotional level cannot live their love stories.
Adapted from The Path to Love, by Deepak Chopra (Three Rivers Press, 1997).
Friday, April 30, 2010
MIND RELATIONS
What is the proper way to relate to your mind? The voice asked. Should you always do what it says? Clearly not, for we have all kinds of thoughts that are irrelevant or fantastic. Should we ignore what it says? No again, because the mind gives us all the desires upon which we build our lives.
There is no single way to relate to the mind. You can’t take a stance that will always work. When people decide arbitrarily to be optimists, they may miscalculate when it comes to serious crises, evildoing, wars, personal conflicts, etc. If they decide arbitrarily to be pessimists, they will miss many opportunities for joy, fulfillment, hope, and faith.
My mental guide showed me this, and I was intrigued. It would appear that being spiritual is one stance that works, yet there are situations where even being spiritual – tolerant, loving, accepting, and detached from materialism – won’t work at all.
A parent can’t simply accept and love a child addicted to cocaine, for example; active intervention is called for. A thousand other examples come to mind. Love won’t defeat torturers; tolerance won’t stop the excess of fanatics. A person must find an infinitely flexible way to relate to the mind; otherwise something gets lost. The most precious gift of the mind – its total freedom – is the source of our creativity.
Now, my mental guide said, look at the world. Isn’t it the same as the mind? The same unpredictability prevails, and therefore you cannot take a fixed attitude toward the world that works. People who are congenitally optimistic about the future are as shortsighted as people who are congenitally pessimistic.
Mind, the world, and Karma are the same thing, perfect mirrors of one another. Their complexity is impossible to fathom. Their infinite connections can never be mapped out, and even if they could be, the next tick of the clock will bring a new, equally infinite set of possibilities.
Adapted from Life After Death: The Burden of Proof, by Deepak Chopra (Harmony Books, 2006).
There is no single way to relate to the mind. You can’t take a stance that will always work. When people decide arbitrarily to be optimists, they may miscalculate when it comes to serious crises, evildoing, wars, personal conflicts, etc. If they decide arbitrarily to be pessimists, they will miss many opportunities for joy, fulfillment, hope, and faith.
My mental guide showed me this, and I was intrigued. It would appear that being spiritual is one stance that works, yet there are situations where even being spiritual – tolerant, loving, accepting, and detached from materialism – won’t work at all.
A parent can’t simply accept and love a child addicted to cocaine, for example; active intervention is called for. A thousand other examples come to mind. Love won’t defeat torturers; tolerance won’t stop the excess of fanatics. A person must find an infinitely flexible way to relate to the mind; otherwise something gets lost. The most precious gift of the mind – its total freedom – is the source of our creativity.
Now, my mental guide said, look at the world. Isn’t it the same as the mind? The same unpredictability prevails, and therefore you cannot take a fixed attitude toward the world that works. People who are congenitally optimistic about the future are as shortsighted as people who are congenitally pessimistic.
Mind, the world, and Karma are the same thing, perfect mirrors of one another. Their complexity is impossible to fathom. Their infinite connections can never be mapped out, and even if they could be, the next tick of the clock will bring a new, equally infinite set of possibilities.
Adapted from Life After Death: The Burden of Proof, by Deepak Chopra (Harmony Books, 2006).
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
PROCRASTINATION
ow to Stop Putting it Off - Say Goodbye to Procrastination For Good - By Isi Dixon
Procrastination - probably the number one cause for people to be disorganized, for not achieving what they want, for not being the best they could be. What people don't realize, however, is you only need the right tools to conquer it.
Let's brush away the reasons why you might be procrastinating and we will basically leave you with no excuse to simply get on with it.
"I haven't got the time right now."
This is the most popular excuse for procrastinators. The thing is you are probably right. You have not got the whole block of time it takes to tackle the spare room, or the whole of the ironing pile, or the complete reorganization of the kitchen. But you have got 10 minutes, or maybe even 20 or 30. And that is all it takes to make a start. Start by sorting through one box, ironing 10 or 20 items, tackling one single drawer. And if you do that every day, you will realize that you are making slow but steady progress.
If you find yourself still procrastinating, then there must be other, deeper rooted reasons behind that. These possible other reasons fall into two categories, ones concerning the project itself, the others your personality style.
First, let's look at the project itself. The project might be perceived as:
1. Threatening
2. Too difficult
3. Boring
4. Impossible to finish
5. Waste of time
1. If a project or the outcome of the project is perceived as threatening, thoughts like "I'm in trouble if I get this wrong" might be going through your head. In this case a natural reaction is not to start the project at all or not to progress beyond a certain point so as to avoid failure. In cases like this make sure you have all the facts right.
Ask questions:
"What is the worst thing that could happen - realistically?" "How likely is this to happen?"
"What exactly do I need to do to get it right?"
"Have I got all the skills and abilities to do this project?" - If the answer is no, then you should probably consider to get someone to help.
2. If you think a project is too difficult, you might never start it. Sit down and think about what is difficult. Are you just unsure of how to start and how to break the project into smaller manageable chunks? Find an expert on the subject, someone who has done a similar project before and ask for help.
3. If you think a project is boring, try and make it more interesting, See how much you can achieve in a certain amount of time. And then for the next chunk, see if you can beat your previous record. Or put some of your favorite music on while you work.
4. If you think a project is impossible to finish, either it's the type of project that literally never ends (like housework) or it is a very large project. Again, breaking it up into smaller portions will help. Set yourself a daily target.
5. Finally, if you consider the project a waste of time, re-evaluate it. Does it really need to be done? Is it simply one of those jobs that need to be redone on a regular basis like tidying up or ironing. Use one of the solutions from number 4 to get the job done. Some jobs do seem to be a waste of time but we would sink into crud and chaos if we didn't do them at all.
The second set of reasons is to do with someone's personality. These could be:
1. Perfectionism
2. Thriving on adrenaline
3. Lack of self confidence
4. Internalized negatives
5. Externalized positives
Let's look at these hurdles to getting things done in detail, see what they are about and how they manifest and what you can do about them.
1. A lot of people have a perfectionist trait. This kind of mindset is fine if that perfect condition is feasible and you have a good track record of starting and finishing your projects. If you don't, then your perfectionism is probably an excuse for not starting the project at all.
2. "I work better under pressure." We all know people like that and we might have used that phrase ourselves. Again, there are two ways of dealing with this.
Number one, it's a good excuse not to start until the last possible moment, and it's simply a way to put things off. Divide your project into segments and do one each day until it's done.
Number two, if you literally work better under pressure, and some of us do, then make the project more challenging. Set mini-goals with a shorter deadline. This way you keep yourself on your toes but are still making timely progress towards your end goal.
Also, get a project buddy. Tell someone about your project, and the deadline. Make yourself accountable. And be sure that certain someone is a person who will check up on you.
3. If you suffer from a lack of self confidence and feel that you simply can't tackle the project, find out what the first thing is you need to do to start the project. Do that, then find out the next step and so on. Also, divide the project into smaller chunks.
4. Internalizing negatives means that you always look for faults within yourself. If you do this, you will quite easily come up with negative emotions, such as "I'm lazy that's why I don't get things done" or "I'm stupid that's why I don't know where to start". I can assure you that none of this is true. You might lack motivation or not be an expert on a particular subject but you can easily do something about that.
Think of a treat that you reward yourself with once you have completed the first part of the task and then keep rewarding yourself for every bit that you achieve until the project is completed. Also, there is no shame in asking people for help and advice on how to tackle a particular project.
5. Externalized positives are usually the reverse side of the same coin as internalized negatives. It means that you attribute anything positive that you do to outside influences and not to your skills and abilities, such as "I was lucky last time and it was easy. I could never do that again." It is usually a sign of lack of self confidence.
Achieving something has most often nothing to do with luck. It is more likely to be the result of hard work and skill. And when you found something easy then you had the skills and talent to do it and nothing less.
Any more excuses? Or did we cover them all and showed you how to conquer them? So what's stopping you now?
Procrastination - probably the number one cause for people to be disorganized, for not achieving what they want, for not being the best they could be. What people don't realize, however, is you only need the right tools to conquer it.
Let's brush away the reasons why you might be procrastinating and we will basically leave you with no excuse to simply get on with it.
"I haven't got the time right now."
This is the most popular excuse for procrastinators. The thing is you are probably right. You have not got the whole block of time it takes to tackle the spare room, or the whole of the ironing pile, or the complete reorganization of the kitchen. But you have got 10 minutes, or maybe even 20 or 30. And that is all it takes to make a start. Start by sorting through one box, ironing 10 or 20 items, tackling one single drawer. And if you do that every day, you will realize that you are making slow but steady progress.
If you find yourself still procrastinating, then there must be other, deeper rooted reasons behind that. These possible other reasons fall into two categories, ones concerning the project itself, the others your personality style.
First, let's look at the project itself. The project might be perceived as:
1. Threatening
2. Too difficult
3. Boring
4. Impossible to finish
5. Waste of time
1. If a project or the outcome of the project is perceived as threatening, thoughts like "I'm in trouble if I get this wrong" might be going through your head. In this case a natural reaction is not to start the project at all or not to progress beyond a certain point so as to avoid failure. In cases like this make sure you have all the facts right.
Ask questions:
"What is the worst thing that could happen - realistically?" "How likely is this to happen?"
"What exactly do I need to do to get it right?"
"Have I got all the skills and abilities to do this project?" - If the answer is no, then you should probably consider to get someone to help.
2. If you think a project is too difficult, you might never start it. Sit down and think about what is difficult. Are you just unsure of how to start and how to break the project into smaller manageable chunks? Find an expert on the subject, someone who has done a similar project before and ask for help.
3. If you think a project is boring, try and make it more interesting, See how much you can achieve in a certain amount of time. And then for the next chunk, see if you can beat your previous record. Or put some of your favorite music on while you work.
4. If you think a project is impossible to finish, either it's the type of project that literally never ends (like housework) or it is a very large project. Again, breaking it up into smaller portions will help. Set yourself a daily target.
5. Finally, if you consider the project a waste of time, re-evaluate it. Does it really need to be done? Is it simply one of those jobs that need to be redone on a regular basis like tidying up or ironing. Use one of the solutions from number 4 to get the job done. Some jobs do seem to be a waste of time but we would sink into crud and chaos if we didn't do them at all.
The second set of reasons is to do with someone's personality. These could be:
1. Perfectionism
2. Thriving on adrenaline
3. Lack of self confidence
4. Internalized negatives
5. Externalized positives
Let's look at these hurdles to getting things done in detail, see what they are about and how they manifest and what you can do about them.
1. A lot of people have a perfectionist trait. This kind of mindset is fine if that perfect condition is feasible and you have a good track record of starting and finishing your projects. If you don't, then your perfectionism is probably an excuse for not starting the project at all.
2. "I work better under pressure." We all know people like that and we might have used that phrase ourselves. Again, there are two ways of dealing with this.
Number one, it's a good excuse not to start until the last possible moment, and it's simply a way to put things off. Divide your project into segments and do one each day until it's done.
Number two, if you literally work better under pressure, and some of us do, then make the project more challenging. Set mini-goals with a shorter deadline. This way you keep yourself on your toes but are still making timely progress towards your end goal.
Also, get a project buddy. Tell someone about your project, and the deadline. Make yourself accountable. And be sure that certain someone is a person who will check up on you.
3. If you suffer from a lack of self confidence and feel that you simply can't tackle the project, find out what the first thing is you need to do to start the project. Do that, then find out the next step and so on. Also, divide the project into smaller chunks.
4. Internalizing negatives means that you always look for faults within yourself. If you do this, you will quite easily come up with negative emotions, such as "I'm lazy that's why I don't get things done" or "I'm stupid that's why I don't know where to start". I can assure you that none of this is true. You might lack motivation or not be an expert on a particular subject but you can easily do something about that.
Think of a treat that you reward yourself with once you have completed the first part of the task and then keep rewarding yourself for every bit that you achieve until the project is completed. Also, there is no shame in asking people for help and advice on how to tackle a particular project.
5. Externalized positives are usually the reverse side of the same coin as internalized negatives. It means that you attribute anything positive that you do to outside influences and not to your skills and abilities, such as "I was lucky last time and it was easy. I could never do that again." It is usually a sign of lack of self confidence.
Achieving something has most often nothing to do with luck. It is more likely to be the result of hard work and skill. And when you found something easy then you had the skills and talent to do it and nothing less.
Any more excuses? Or did we cover them all and showed you how to conquer them? So what's stopping you now?
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
ACHIEVING IDEAL LOVE
Subtle action can make the difference between dreaming of an ideal love and achieving it. In ordinary life, love has become entangled with something else, usually the ego. By nature the ego is selfish, and although love appeals to it, the ego wants to have love on its own terms. These must be sorted out. One person may want to be in control, another to be taken care of. One may feel insecure no matter how much love is directed her way. Another may have to dominate his partner in order not to feel vulnerable.
But pure love exists, and it can be found. As with everything else, a process is involved. You begin where you are, and you grow through subtle action – that is, you quietly encourage the kind of love you really want.
In your own life, consider the qualities of love at the highest level. The soul’s love is unselfish, giving, blissful, warm and safe, self-sufficient, needing no outside validation, innocent, uncomplicated, kind, compassionate, constant, expanding, comforting, sacred.
These are terms you’ve heard all your life, and you have experienced them either a little bit or a great deal. Sit quietly and summon the memory of one quality, such as kindness, including your memories, visual images, emotions, and people connected with this quality.
Stay with your experience for a few minutes. Let it deepen of its own accord. In effect, you are subtly directing your mind to access the quality of kindness, which forms a neural pattern that differs from a mind that doesn’t dwell on kindness.
In the same way, you can go within yourself and feel as completely as possible, what “giving” or “sacred” means to you. Taking one quality at a time, pay attention to it until you have a clear sense of its personal meaning.
As you become more aware of the love that is inside you, you align with an invisible force. Quietly but steadily, you will find that the higher qualities of love will start to enter your life.
Adapted from Reinventing The Body, Resurrecting The Soul, by Deepak Chopra (Harmony Books, 2009).
But pure love exists, and it can be found. As with everything else, a process is involved. You begin where you are, and you grow through subtle action – that is, you quietly encourage the kind of love you really want.
In your own life, consider the qualities of love at the highest level. The soul’s love is unselfish, giving, blissful, warm and safe, self-sufficient, needing no outside validation, innocent, uncomplicated, kind, compassionate, constant, expanding, comforting, sacred.
These are terms you’ve heard all your life, and you have experienced them either a little bit or a great deal. Sit quietly and summon the memory of one quality, such as kindness, including your memories, visual images, emotions, and people connected with this quality.
Stay with your experience for a few minutes. Let it deepen of its own accord. In effect, you are subtly directing your mind to access the quality of kindness, which forms a neural pattern that differs from a mind that doesn’t dwell on kindness.
In the same way, you can go within yourself and feel as completely as possible, what “giving” or “sacred” means to you. Taking one quality at a time, pay attention to it until you have a clear sense of its personal meaning.
As you become more aware of the love that is inside you, you align with an invisible force. Quietly but steadily, you will find that the higher qualities of love will start to enter your life.
Adapted from Reinventing The Body, Resurrecting The Soul, by Deepak Chopra (Harmony Books, 2009).
JUST BE HAPPY.
Most people are trapped trying to impose their viewpoint on the world. They carry around beliefs about what is right and wrong, and they hold on to these beliefs for years. “I am right” brings comfort, but not true happiness. The people you feel wronged by will never apologize and make your wounds and grievances go away. The people you judge against will remain isolated from you. No one has ever been made happy by proving that they are right. The only result is conflict and confrontation, because the need to be right always makes someone else wrong.
There is no such thing as one and only one correct perspective. Right is whatever conforms to your perception. You see the world as you are. Others see the world as they are, too. This insight is tremendously liberating because, first of all, it makes you unique. Ultimately it makes you a cocreator with God. For as your consciousness expands, so does reality. Tremendous hidden potential is revealed.
The opposite happens if you insist upon being right. Because others will disagree, your need to be right will generate antagonism and rejection.
If the world is a mirror of who you are, it is always reflecting a point of view. Objectivity is an illusion of the ego, created to bolster its insistence that what it sees is right. It’s tragic that people sacrifice the real goal of life, which is increasing joy and happiness, for the cold comfort of judging others and feeling superior to them. If you see the world with judgment instead of love, that’s the world you will inhabit.
There is no such thing as one and only one correct perspective. Right is whatever conforms to your perception. You see the world as you are. Others see the world as they are, too. This insight is tremendously liberating because, first of all, it makes you unique. Ultimately it makes you a cocreator with God. For as your consciousness expands, so does reality. Tremendous hidden potential is revealed.
The opposite happens if you insist upon being right. Because others will disagree, your need to be right will generate antagonism and rejection.
If the world is a mirror of who you are, it is always reflecting a point of view. Objectivity is an illusion of the ego, created to bolster its insistence that what it sees is right. It’s tragic that people sacrifice the real goal of life, which is increasing joy and happiness, for the cold comfort of judging others and feeling superior to them. If you see the world with judgment instead of love, that’s the world you will inhabit.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Would you rather be right or be happy?
Most people are trapped trying to impose their viewpoint on the world. They carry around beliefs about what is right and wrong, and they hold on to these beliefs for years. “I am right” brings comfort, but not true happiness. The people you feel wronged by will never apologize and make your wounds and grievances go away. The people you judge against will remain isolated from you. No one has ever been made happy by proving that they are right. The only result is conflict and confrontation, because the need to be right always makes someone else wrong.
There is no such thing as one and only one correct perspective. Right is whatever conforms to your perception. You see the world as you are. Others see the world as they are, too. This insight is tremendously liberating because, first of all, it makes you unique. Ultimately it makes you a cocreator with God. For as your consciousness expands, so does reality. Tremendous hidden potential is revealed.
The opposite happens if you insist upon being right. Because others will disagree, your need to be right will generate antagonism and rejection.
If the world is a mirror of who you are, it is always reflecting a point of view. Objectivity is an illusion of the ego, created to bolster its insistence that what it sees is right. It’s tragic that people sacrifice the real goal of life, which is increasing joy and happiness, for the cold comfort of judging others and feeling superior to them. If you see the world with judgment instead of love, that’s the world you will inhabit.
Adapted from The Ultimate Happiness Prescription, by Deepak Chopra (Harmony Books, 2009).
There is no such thing as one and only one correct perspective. Right is whatever conforms to your perception. You see the world as you are. Others see the world as they are, too. This insight is tremendously liberating because, first of all, it makes you unique. Ultimately it makes you a cocreator with God. For as your consciousness expands, so does reality. Tremendous hidden potential is revealed.
The opposite happens if you insist upon being right. Because others will disagree, your need to be right will generate antagonism and rejection.
If the world is a mirror of who you are, it is always reflecting a point of view. Objectivity is an illusion of the ego, created to bolster its insistence that what it sees is right. It’s tragic that people sacrifice the real goal of life, which is increasing joy and happiness, for the cold comfort of judging others and feeling superior to them. If you see the world with judgment instead of love, that’s the world you will inhabit.
Adapted from The Ultimate Happiness Prescription, by Deepak Chopra (Harmony Books, 2009).
Friday, April 16, 2010
LOVE
God or spirit stands beside us in every aspect of our everyday lives. If you can begin to see how your notion of spirit has been shaped by your early childhood, you can start to look at love as a mirror of the present instead of the past.
This is a key concept: When you fall in love, you fall for a mirror of your own most present needs.
The intense desirability of another person isn’t innate in that person. Desire is born in the one who desires. If your underlying self-image is that of a helpless, unloved child, any show of power arouses incredible yearning in you.
There is nothing wrong with this – we all project similar needs in our search for love. Nor is there anything wrong with a bedazzled state of infatuation. Each affair, real or imaginary, has a repeated message to offer: “You are loved.” It is the simplest of messages, but often the hardest to absorb. For spirit isn’t saying, “You are loved as long as your passion for this person lasts.” It is saying, “You are loved,” without any qualifications.
There is infinite patience in spirit, infinite willingness to wait upon our attention. And one day, in your own time, you will notice.
Each person that you have loved is a tiny reminder of who you are. This isn’t solipsistic but a natural reflection of your needs. You aren’t judged by the love life you choose, since no one is outside yourself to judge – there is only you as the Self, looking at you from a different angle.
The Self looking at you is the primary relationship you bring into all situations. Realizing that, you will start to reduce expectations for other relationships. Your healing will be to fall in love with that Self.
Adapted from The Path to Love, by Deepak Chopra (Three Rivers Press, 1997).
This is a key concept: When you fall in love, you fall for a mirror of your own most present needs.
The intense desirability of another person isn’t innate in that person. Desire is born in the one who desires. If your underlying self-image is that of a helpless, unloved child, any show of power arouses incredible yearning in you.
There is nothing wrong with this – we all project similar needs in our search for love. Nor is there anything wrong with a bedazzled state of infatuation. Each affair, real or imaginary, has a repeated message to offer: “You are loved.” It is the simplest of messages, but often the hardest to absorb. For spirit isn’t saying, “You are loved as long as your passion for this person lasts.” It is saying, “You are loved,” without any qualifications.
There is infinite patience in spirit, infinite willingness to wait upon our attention. And one day, in your own time, you will notice.
Each person that you have loved is a tiny reminder of who you are. This isn’t solipsistic but a natural reflection of your needs. You aren’t judged by the love life you choose, since no one is outside yourself to judge – there is only you as the Self, looking at you from a different angle.
The Self looking at you is the primary relationship you bring into all situations. Realizing that, you will start to reduce expectations for other relationships. Your healing will be to fall in love with that Self.
Adapted from The Path to Love, by Deepak Chopra (Three Rivers Press, 1997).
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